Raise your hand who can ensure that your life and the way you see it did not change completely by having children. Surely, nobody could do it. Because when you become a mother (or father) you not only change your priorities but you rethink things that you used to take as true and that when they affect your child ... You have to make sure they are true!
That is what ensures Julio Rodríguez López what happened to him by becoming a father and having to face "A new and unknown universe. Doubts and insecurities assail you."
So this doctor of biology and psychologist He decided not to believe together everything he read on the Internet or was told about fatherhood and began investigating to learn how to raise his son. From that personal scientific research was born the book 'What science says about education and parenting'. We reveal some key points that can help us raise our children, adapting ourselves to children, not children to us.
"Everything has already been said, but since it is so much information, sometimes it becomes difficult to process it (...) So, everything I affirm and detail in this book is a product of the study and scientific research that, today, is the only thing that comes a little closer to objective truth, without manipulating or biasing. "
This is how the author of his book speaks and what differentiates it from the rest and that he was born with a personal purpose and that he wanted to share it because "It can help other parents."
"Being parents is not an adventure, it is a responsibility.""We need more conciliation measures"
Julio Rodríguez insists that "Our society leads us to an adult-centered fatherhood, when it must be a child-centered parenthood", think about the needs of children and not those of adults.
In Babies and more The 13 things I said I wouldn't do as a father, and now look at me"Children have their own world of children, with their problems, their crises, their ideas, their conflicts, their fears and their concerns. We have to adapt to that world, adopt a child-centered point of view, sacrifice ourselves to understand it, bend down to talk to it at his height. It's his time and you have to give it his all. Besides, it also benefits parents. "
And the fault of this attitude is not of the parents "But the lack of measures to be able to combine the work and care * of our children."
We say "the baby doesn't let us sleep", when he is not to blame but we have to get up at seven in the morning to go to work. And the same happens when returning exhausted from the office: "The child does not cry because he is a heavy one, but because he needs the attention of his parents, the contact with them. It is a biological survival response."
So, when are we going to have good conciliation measures that allow us to enjoy more time with our children, to think about what they really need and not what we think adults need, how to work harder to give them more things.
"Men do not cry"
Of all those famous phrases that we have to hear from 'experienced voices' this is the first one referred to by the researcher of the genetics of psychiatric diseases in Santiago de Compostela.
"It has no scientific basis and does not correspond at all with what needs to be done in the upbringing of our children. In fact, it goes against what is beneficial for the child's emotional development."
I don't understand the position that holds that you have to let the baby sleep alone, in the dark and let him cry until he gets used to it. No study supports this position, but quite the opposite.
Babies do not understand that their parents are behind the door and that they have not been left alone. They only perceive the biological fear of death, innate, that they feel by believing themselves alone and defenseless before the world.
This is explained by this father, a researcher on the scientific basis of parenting, who admits to being "A great supporter of the school until very advanced ages as a way to educate our children" in safety and self-esteem that confers being close to parents, in physical contact.
Practicing the colecho is positive for emotional stability.
That is why he insists that the child must be cared for whenever he demands it, to make him feel safe and protected.
"You'll know when you get older"
The author explains that the only thing that is achieved with this attitude is "cut off the innate curiosity of children". Ensures they have to know and "adults often go by giving explanations for comfort, because it is easier for us."
However, we have to do the opposite: do not restrict them and encourage their curiosity.
"Children are not adults in small, they are children (...) All the rules, norms, guidelines, etc., which are applied to children by their parents are adult norms."
"We cannot pretend that a child plays five minutes and then comes with us and sits at the table perfectly, without saying a word and enduring policy conversations. That would not be to behave, but to end childhood."
"A slap in time"
It is still surprising that when all studies have shown that violence is ineffective, there are still people who defend it in the upbringing of children.
This is stated by Julio Rodríguez, because with a cheek you don't learn anything positive:
"We only instill fear in the child and that is the model he will have, the memory we give him as parents. Exercising violence causes trauma and conflict and they will assume that it is the way to solve all problems and that only the strongest he is the one who wins and is right, when it is a totally wrong position. "
The position of the parents should be, according to the psychologist, of respect and "lead by example, since our children imitate us in everything and if we use violence, they will also use it in their relationship with other children."
"You have to totally avoid physical, psychological or verbal violence. You have to take a deep breath, meditate, embrace it and negotiate with it the rules and behaviors. Instead of teaching him to obey the authority, you have to teach him to negotiate with the authority. Respect is earned by demonstrating reason and being consistent, not being the strongest or imposing through fear".
"The best punishment is the prize"
"In order to establish a specific behavior in the child, the most effective is the prize. And within these, it is best to praise and describe the effort that allows that behavior. To eliminate a specific behavior in a child, the most effective is to reward the opposite behavior. ".
This is stated by the psychologist and researcher, who adds that "The second best punishment is the omission of the prize. But it will be much better if you never have to resort to it."
And it insists that the key to educating children is dialogue.
"The letter, with hugs, laughter and explanation, enters."Basic guidelines for good communication
And, at that point, it suggests a couple of changes in the attitude of parents, essential to improve communication and, in the end, the education of children:
- When talking with children, especially when they are sad, angry, emberrinchados, frustrated or precise explain something to them or reason with them (the basis of his entire book), is much better:
- Crouch down to your height.
- Look them in the eye (and have them look at you).
- Talk to them in a neutral tone (although inside you are about to burst from anger).
That way the entire height barrier and its meaning of imposition, strength and superiority will dissolve and a conversation between two equals will be established talking about you to you.
"Children are human beings, interactive, who learn - and do so very quickly and easily - who evolve and adapt."- Also, in that same position, after or before speaking, you can hug the child; that calms him down, comforts him and unites him who addresses him.
When what is said is not imposed by the force that unconsciously is applied by the upright position of the adult, but is presented speaking at the same physical, but also psychological, height, Your little brain will relax and accept those words better.
"Let's integrate the child, let's treat him as an equal.""That simple gesture, that of taking the trouble to catch up to include it in a world, that of adults, which he sees inaccessible and incomprehensible, is a gesture of vital importance for communication to flow much better and our messages warm at".
We must take care of the emotional health of children, because they are the future
For the psychologist it is very obvious the need to take care of the physical health of our children, but also their emotional health. And to achieve this, we must also give them the best possible education, and not only on an intellectual level but also on the emotional level. And to achieve this, we must improve family and work reconciliation, to have time for them.
And so we can meet all their biological needs: encourage their curiosity and interact with them not as an authority but by being at their side, to give them that biological security they need to reach emotional security.
"It would be ideal if parents and children could sleep together in the same room or in the same bed for at least the first five years of their children's lives."
This is how Julio Rodríguez expresses, which explains that "There are many studies that show that children who live in orphanages, even if only babies, have many psychological problems, because they have felt that their basic survival failed to be abandoned by their parents."
In Babies and more, the father I thought I would be and the father I am nowTherefore, we must make changes in society, in laws, that support fatherhood, that allow us to understand that crying is the mechanism that our children have to get the attention of their parents, an instinct necessary for their survival and not A way to annoy.
But that lack of 'patience' with our children is not the fault of the parents, but of the stress that provokes trying to respond to the image of being good parents, of being full at work and at home, of reaching everything.
"Parents are so tired and saturated that we take care of their basic needs but we don't have time for the psychological and emotional well-being that our children need."The key points for an emotional and cognitive education
As a conclusion to the interview that Babies and More has done to Julio Rodríguez, we have asked him to review the basic points that summarize the result of his scientific research for a good upbringing. In addition to the points already discussed, these are his tips for parents:
- To reason is learned as well as to speak. Do it from the first moment, even if I don't understand you.
In Babies and more The invisible work of mothers: the one nobody sees, few value and so much depletes usExplain to the child all the rules that he must meet for his safety, his civic relationship with others, his health and his education. Do not impose them by authority, let the child actively participate in the process. Explain them and then give him freedom to carry them out.
The most valuable thing for a child is the time spent with their parents; yes, devoting full attention. Park your cell phones, computers and television, lay on the ground and ride the train of imagination and play. Enter the "multi-adventure of chaos" mode.
Teach him to recognize and express his emotions (also artistically), that he decides the path he wants to follow. Never restrict it or judge its decisions. On the contrary, encourage it, support it and celebrate it. Always.
Teach him that sadness and bad times are part of life, that they should not be avoided or hidden, that he must face them.
Encourage him to do things that are not good for him. That will help you lose your fear of failure, change and try new challenges and tasks. It will also be useful because it will make you get used to getting out of your comfort zone and relativizing achievements and mistakes and will protect you by contributing to your ego not being artificially inflated or hurt by a setback. The ego must be destroyed.
Teach him that in perseverance is mastery, that the important thing is not to never fall, since that is impossible, life is not like that. The relevant thing is to always get up. Failure is important because it allows learning.
Give him freedom to decide his projects, his games, his artistic creations and his activities. Then, support him in achievements and adversities, show him affection and mindfulness, value his effort. Teach him that success is relative and dependent on many eventualities. Winning does not make him a better person than others nor does he deserve more respect.
Teach him to be empathetic, compassionate and respectful of others. That will nullify his narcissism and prevent him from being spiteful, angry, envious, hostile, jealous and insecure.
Never doubt it: do not succumb or fall into a struggle of 'competing parents' or give in to the short-term and materialistic social pressure. You are doing the right thing, you are raising a human being, even for a world of wolves. His feather mattress, his bubble wrap space suit and his multidimensional armored room will make him able to survive in it, tame it, control it, improve it and even change it.
Photos | iStock
What science says about education and parenting
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