In my work I have detected that, even parents who are clear about the idea of respectful parenting, complain that they keep yelling at their children and fail to stop doing so, which they dislike and know that it hurts their children and Teach bad habits. We yell at you, butWe know what are the real reasons why we yell at children
This afternoon I will be in Pontevedra in front of more than one hundred people who want to help them stop shouting at their children but I also want to help our readers with some ideas to achieve it. I am going to make some simple proposals, accessible to all of you and I am sure that they will help you. And I will start today with the real reasons why we shout at children, which, in my opinion, do not have much to do with children, nor with what they do, nor with whether they pay attention to us, but with ourselves, responsible adults, with self-control and mature people who are supposed to be.
The reasons we shout at our children They are very complex and not all people who scream will be the same, but my experience is that there are many points in common.
Someone recently told me that mothers and fathers who don't scream only exist in internet groups, but that nobody is able to control themselves so much. And although we may have to be clear that perfection does not exist, if I am sure that stop screaming It is not an unattainable goal and, if you set your mind, you can achieve it.
We are exhausted
The Lack of sleep It is perhaps one of the reasons why we lose our nerves the most and having young children is almost always linked to having less sleep or rest than we would like. Each family should look for the way in which they can give themselves as much rest as possible but one thing is clear, both members of the parenting team should be in the same conditions and be supportive, try the colecho, put a movie on the bed while we cast the last dream or get up in shifts if the child is one of those who get up at six in the morning and just want to play.
As our children grow their ability to understand and empathize with us, if we have been empathic, it will increase, and they will understand that we need to rest or that day we are not well, but when they are little, that is very difficult and, no doubt, It is a hard part of parenting.
Seeking support, things improve but there will always be a part of the attention to children that will cost us if we are especially sick or exhausted. One thing that sums up everything is what will give you strength, it is really worth spending those moments thinking that shouting at them, in the long run, poisons your relationship and lays the foundation for mutual disrespects in the future.
A life too demanding
Another reason why we shout at our children, which should not serve as an excuse but to understand that we are not monsters, is that our life and that of children is excessively stressful and does not respond to our real needs. There is no free time for just nothing. Working hours are exhausting and, if there is no work, worries can also be devastating. As much as the comfort of our homes improves, there are obligations in home care, cleaning, food, shopping and activities that overwhelm us. Although it seems difficult there is no other choice but to simplify our life and reorganize it to be happier.
Tiredness and stress Due to worries or pending tasks, it makes us pressurize the children so that they do not bother and to adapt to a very tight schedule, we demand that they obey and attend to things that really do not rush them naturally : have dinner at an exact time, bathe, pick up, stop playing ... you can tell me that they have to adapt to life and that you want them to obey, but if you think about it, the needs we impose on them are, often, things that for their childhood they are not necessary and it would be easier if we did not live with such a rigid schedule.
We will not always be able to change those things but my advice is to reflect on whether some of those conflicts, those that are more common in our house, are softened by making the demands more flexible. The reasons we shout are not children, but our own expectations or limits.
Our parents were shouting at us
Another reason we yell at children is our own childhood. Not always, but in many cases, we also receive, even from loving parents, shouting, harsh words, blackmail, labels and even some blow. We have normalized that kind of violence. Even parents who do not want to do so have grown up in an environment where children can be shouted at or disrespected without serious consequences. And that leaves a mark. Although we do not justify it, we have internalized it, it is part of our enculturation and, in moments of tension, fatigue, anger or less rationality, we get carried away by an unconscious pattern. And we scream.
The children ignore
The parents who usually shout at their children explain that they shout because if they do not do the children ignore them and, therefore, even if they don't like it, they are "forced". Parents who punish a lot say the same, if they don't punish them they ignore. I don't know parents who hit their children but I am sure they will use a similar argument. And the reason is that they themselves, with their loss of control, have taught the children that this is the moment in which they must pay attention, which is not so serious before. Communication guidelines are taught in the same communication.
Sure, there are children who ignore at the first, not at the second ... or at the tenth, I know. But screaming does not teach anything at all, in the long run it does not change the child's behavior, we will have to keep shouting more and more and more. A ruin of relationship, which will be approaching adolescence with an environment that sooner or later the child will reproduce. If a child ignores and we are very sure that this is important, the way to make ourselves understood is not to shout, is to explain with simple words and repeat. Patience. Put ourselves in the place of children. Assess if our requests are reasonable. Do not let them endanger themselves or others, but understand that they need to make their own decisions little by little.
The huge responsibility
Really the most demanding and most responsible job that exists is to educate our children. Their safety and health depends on us, and also that they grow as empathic people, respectful of themselves and others, who can have adequate training to fulfill their dreams in childhood and adult life. Responsibility weighs a lot and that sometimes, let's face it, surpasses us.
These are some of the reasons why we shout at our children not wanting to do it and knowing that it is not good for them. But the subject of a lot and next week we will see what are the reasons for us to learn to educate without shouting.
