We have talked about some techniques that we can use for breed whipping, controlling our anger when it occurs to us to stop a bad behavior of our son with a scourge. These have been general formulas to prevent anger from dominating us and taking any action from love and reflection, having not lost control to resort to screams or cheeks.
We have also stressed how important it is not to be alone in this adventure, because usually the environment will not always support our decision to avoid cheeks, as it is still common for them to be seen as necessary or simply, not harmful. But if we don't think like that and we want to avoid being dominated by that aggressive feeling as we do with other people who make us angry, we will need help from those around us and also ourselves, of the children we were in our childhood.
Support group
If no one among our relatives or acquaintances understands our concerns, the road will be more complicated. That is why we must look for a "tribe" where to experience feelings of understanding and friendship: a support group.
This group of like-minded people will be where we can, usually, tell what we have decided to do, as I explained talking about the observer technique, and also where we will find those friends to whom to open the heart and with whom to share the most intense and personal experiences . Our observers and our accomplices can appear in those more general groups of people with similar ideas.
But apart from those special people, in life, as social beings that we are, we need a related group Where to feel respected and understood. If every dinner at the family's house becomes a verbal battle in which they tell you that your child needs a good scourge and make fun of your ideas you can feel very alone and misunderstood. You will need a group that supports you.
You will surely think that this seems very simple on paper, but that, in reality, things are more complicated. There is very little time to start new friendships, and more with a small child, so it will not be so easy to find that related group Where to feel safe Of course it is not simple, you have to look for it.
What I can tell you is how to find it. Then, it is your turn to move in, but surely you will open the enchanted doors. For a next topic I will talk about ways and places to meet many families who consciously educate without using the scourges in case you are interested in contacting them.
The inner child technique
We were also children and we feel what children feel when they are brushed away or treated with less sweetness or respect than they deserve. They yelled at us, told us painful words, threatened us, hit us, or sent us in a bad way to shut up. And others, no doubt, worse things happened: beatings, very severe punishments and emotional abandonment. But by force of receiving these actions from the people on whom we depended absolutely and totally, we came to forget and silence that this made us feel sad or abandoned.
Even children who suffer very serious abuse come to deny and forget the damage suffered, identify with the aggressor and justify what happened to them. They come to believe that it was their fault, that they caused the abuse by being inadequate. "Bad." Bad children that deserve spanking. Well, no, there are no bad children and children do not deserve to be hit at any rate, however weak. They do not deserve it.
In the gestures in which we do not give the child good treatment, the feelings, although less serious situations, are very similar. Most of us do not know what we felt when we were children and slapped or called us idiots. We don't know, we forget it, or rather, they made us deny that it hurt us, even what happened. Actually, most remember him with "love," as they were told it was for their own good.
But nobody feels loved, respected and protected when they grab his arm and shake himThey give him a little fish or threaten him in the middle of a tantrum. No, that we didn't like the children we were, it made them suffer. I am sure, but it is very difficult to dare to talk to the child we were and connect with his true feelings at the time. And once we see each other and see each other, we understand better what our son feels and wish we would not give them that experience.
The intensity of pain that comes from talking with that inner child will depend on many things, on the continuity and severity of the violent gestures, loaded with anger or sometimes contempt, that we receive. It will also depend on everything else that surrounded our childhood and the same general treatment of our parents.
But sure That inner child is still hidden, waiting to be heard, to tell us the truth of his feelings, not of what the adults told him he should have, but of those that sprouted from himself at the first scream.
If we want to change the pattern of parenting behavior and learn to control anger when children wear us out, a very effective way is to contact our inner child.
If we really empathize with him and listen to him instead of wanting to silence him when he cries, just as we wish so intensely that a child's crying ceases, we can better identify the fear or anger we feel now and prevent our little ones from suffering what We, as children, feel when we were not given the best deal.
Know to the inner child and keeping it in mind helps us control anger and not succumb to the scourge or the cry or the threat. Many times, we recognize then that, simply, we reproduce the behavior patterns of our parents and knowing that we, as children, that hurt us and grieved, we can break with them and stop justifying ourselves by doing with our children what it would be intolerable towards an adult.
Knowing if we felt loved, respected, heard and protected by our parents, identifying situations in which they made us feel bad is a tough challenge. Many people are afraid to connect with their childhood, to face feelings and reality, and they may discover that they were not as happy as they thought. And feel like crying.
If that happens, there is no need to deny the inner exploration, but to love that child who suffered and heal it, demonstrating that we are capable of breaking with behaviors that may have been repeated generation after generation. We will continue to deepen this topic, because there are many resources that we have left to explore for learn to breed without whipping.
