"PLAYING WITH OUR CHILDREN AND BANISHING THE AUTHORITARIAN TONE IS THE BEST WAY TO EDUCATE WITH SERENITY," WE TALKED WITH PATRICIA RAMíREZ

"Children are top-notch people and they don't deserve to be yelled at or disrespected." That is the opinion of the psychologist Patricia Ramírez, known for her informative work in the media and in the world of sports.

Now, he has taken another step and has decided to offer creative solutions to parents when it comes to educate your children with fun games, where there is no place for authority "because I say so" and screams. The key is ** educate with time, with peace of mind.

He has compiled them in his new book, 'Educate with serenity. Creative solutions for desperate parents', which goes on sale tomorrow. We play?

Patricia is clear: it is no use shielding us behind the mad phrase "I was educated with authority and I don't have any trauma", because punishments, whipping, screaming or "Because I say it", are harmful to our children.

The psychologist says that when she asks parents who come to her 'Educate with serenity' workshop what they want to achieve with education, the answer is usually: "to obey the first", and therein lies the first problem.

"As parents you have to ask yourself if you really want your child to obey the first one when he reaches adolescence and offer him drugs or sex. Isn't it better to teach him to reason, to know what is right instead of obeying why?" .

Add that we must strip the education of the solemn and stale tone that we give and innovate, think that there is another type of education without resorting to shouting and the figure of authority:

"Most children respond much better when we respect their times, leave them their space and treat them with the utmost respect, as we would do with an equal."

And that's where the games come in to deal with everyday issues like showering, being more responsible and less answering, less nervous, while helping to eliminate "All those labels that unconsciously hang our children and that lead us to see them as difficult, capricious, impolite, lazy, and that can lead to us screaming in despair."

Don't lose the papers

Patricia Ramírez assures that parental and child self-control is the key to success and proposes a very creative dynamic to achieve it: 'the serene shirt', to use in stressful moments that make us lose control, like "The workload, not having slept well, being late for a meeting ...".

The idea is to paint with the help of your children, a shirt for each family member with his name and the word "serene / serene". So when you get home, you put it on top to remind you that you don't have to lose your temper. If someone screams or kicks you have to remind him that he can't because he wears the shirt with super powers to keep calm.

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Patricia explains that "We can use them at dinner time, for example, to manage not to argue, or if we all speak very loudly at home, every day until we get used to lowering our voice". And he adds that it serves as a reminder.

"Most of the time we don't change a behavior, not because we don't want to, but because we forget it."

We play to obey

We start from the idea that obeying the first one is overrated. "How many times a day do we do things that we know are wrong or postponed, such as quitting smoking or not using the phone behind the wheel?", the expert plagues us. So, we have to try to be more compassionate with our children, who are not perfect either.

The punishment does not work, so we have to learn to set limits from affection, with motivation and empathy.

"We must eliminate phrases from our vocabulary: 'Because I say it and period', 'You don't know how to do anything I ask you to do', 'Do what I tell you, but not what I do' ...".

Children demand attention, feel part of the group, of the family, and you can achieve it by giving it time, having you close. Why not pick up the room to the rhythm of the music with a choreography like Mary Poppins? Or get them to go to the shower without protesting and having fun. The game proposal is'the great shower olympiad'.

We prepare a table with the name of our children and the days of the week and we encourage them to wear swimming goggles and a snorkel tube. Next, comes the motivational speech of the type:

"Dear showers and showers, at half past eight this afternoon comes the most anticipated time of the day at last, the time to do everything. When Mom blows the whistle, you have to put yourself in your posts, in front of the bathroom door without having taken off any clothes or having eaten a candy ten minutes before (because that would be dopping, extra energy.) As soon as I whistle, I start the stopwatch, you go to the bathroom, you take off your clothes, you lather your whole body from the head, you clarify, you dry and put on your pajamas. When everything is over, stop the stopwatch. You write your daily mark on the card. Your mission: to lower times every day, but following the rules. "

Patricia remembers that this contest should focus on oneself, without entering into competition with the brothers: "It is every child who must improve their brand."

Let's learn to feel

Children, like many adults, do not know the world of emotions. The parents' job is to help them recognize what they feel and show them techniques that help them feel better and regulate their mood to avoid blockage. This is stated by the psychologist who adds:

"It is forbidden to tell them not to cry, not to be sad ... We have to teach them to manage their emotions, not to deny them."

The first thing is to get rid of the negative labels that we place on our children without being aware: "lazy, naughty, dirty ...".

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An exercise in reflection it could be this: each family member writes a label that he thinks defines him on a piece of paper and then breaks it. And so one a day, all week, to eliminate it from our lives. But we must focus on changing only one behavior at a time, because we all have a hard time making changes and more on what we don't want to change. Patricia explains that:

"The vision we have of ourselves leads us to behave according to that label. That is, 'why do my homework if I'm a bum?', Instead of saying 'come on, you wear the superhero cape, put on them that you can'".

And, of course, adds the psychologist, you have to reinforce every little achievement with motivational phrases of the type: "How well you have done the exercises. We are very proud. Thank you for your effort."

Don't yell at me, I don't hear you

Do you remember the learning method 'Speak English in 1000 words'? As the author of the book 'Educate with serenity', we propose a similar communication game entitled 'Optimism in 1000 words'. He explains that we work with short-term memory, which includes a vocabulary not exceeding 300-400 words, which may (and usually) include negative messages of the type: "I can't, I don't serve".

So he proposes to change them for optimistic words. On the weekend, for example, you can search the Internet or the dictionary for a new, happy word that children like for each day of the week. When you get up, remember what it is and, at night, during dinner for example, your children have to tell you a phrase that defines an experience of the day and incorporates it.

"The children want attention and know that they are going to talk about their family phrase, motivates them, commits them to the proposal and so, without realizing it, they change their attitude and improve their vocabulary, their attention in class."

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Education in values

Patricia Ramírez explains that we educate children in values since they are born. We look for schools, sports, friendships, travel, books and leisure related to our values. Some of them, such as honesty, sincerity and justice, seem clear, but not so much others as "effort, respect, sincerity, patience, generosity or gratitude".

"Our children have to understand what it means to behave in a manner consistent with a certain value and what benefits it has for them and for the community."

And that must be worked on. An idea, for example, for the effort, is to place on a blackboard or cardboard a goal table. On one side, goals of laziness; to the other, the own score. A) Yes: "I woke up 10 minutes later the alarm went off" (lazy goal), but "I have done my homework as soon as I have a snack" (own goal). And so at the end of the day, our children have to get the score in their favor.

And, of course, vital the work of motivation of the parents, with cries of war established to face the laziness: "Shut up", "fear me?", "Shut up", "this is my life" ...

Keys to educate calmly

But then, Should we be playing all our lives with our children? Patricia is clear: whenever possible, yes, because that way they retain much better what they are taught. And he ends by saying that:

"Hitting is non-negotiable and screaming is an unacceptable and humiliating disrespect. We do it to have power and with that we only achieve a deterioration of your high esteem and a lack of security."

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He assures that this attitude dislodges children because "if the person who loves me the most shouts at me", he will act like this with his friends, his partner tomorrow. To educate calmly, the psychologist Patricia Ramírez, points out these keys:

Never compare the brothers
Not overprotect
Not threaten
Not judge
Be interested in their things, don't ask them questions for adults. When you leave class for example, we fry boring questions like: "What have you done today?", "Have you been given any notes?", instead of encouraging them with a more dynamic repertoire such as: "Has something fun happened at school?", "How is your friend Juan?"
Correct from respect, proposing solutions instead of crushing with mistakes.
Question the error and favor the error resulting from the initiative, creativity or intent.
Offer them unconditional love always, even when they misbehave: "I love you and I love you the same, take a 5 or a 10 on an exam."

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