PUT YOUR PARTNER AHEAD OF YOUR CHILDREN?

Since I became a mother for the first time, I understood that this little person who had just arrived in the world became my number one priority in life. That same feeling was renewed years later at the birth of my second and then my third daughter. It is my experience, and it is the one I am sure that many women share, but it is absolutely respectable that not all mothers feel it that way.

This is how Amber Doty, mother of two children, feels in an article entitled Putting Your Husband First states that her husband is her priority, placing her ahead of her children. It is not that she loves her husband more than her children, or does not care for them, but that prioritize the relationship with your partner in pursuit, according to her, of family benefit.

He explains it like this:

"Although I understand the possible transience of marriage in the face of the indissoluble union between mother and son, I consider that the investment I make in the relationship with my husband is something beneficial for our family as a whole. Prioritizing my husband's needs diminishes the probabilities of divorce and increases the possibility that our children live in a home with two parents "

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Is it selfish to prioritize the couple?

When you go from being just a couple to being parents, everything changes. Now we are two people embarked on a new project: the family, and whose number one priority becomes those little beings that we have brought to the world.

I do not think that the couple should necessarily be placed ahead of the children For the family to work in harmony. Rather, it is the father and mother himself who they give that priority space to the children, because they become the most important. Young children to care for, educate, accompany, prop up, teach ... (what am I going to tell you).

By this I do not mean that when a baby is born parents forget to be a couple. It is healthy and necessary for men and women (in this case) to seek their own spaces and feed their relationship. That, of course.

But if for the reason it was the couple does not work, both will remain parents and children will always remain a priority.

If we give priority to children, do they become self-centered?

An affirmation by the author of the article with which I disagree at all is to prioritize children makes them self-centered people. It reminds me a bit of "Do not take it so much in your arms that you get it bad".

"I will clarify: if our children are our only reason for being, they will grow up and become self-centered people who do not understand the meaning of giving or sharing their time or their things. Do we not have enough people like that in our society? ?
Ask our children to wait a minute or say no, it will not hurt their self-esteem. Show love and appreciation to our partner, it will not cause psychological damage. In fact, it is quite the opposite. By making our partner, or sometimes ourselves, our priority, we are teaching our children to respect others and respect themselves. Presence of the support and affection that parents give each other may instill in the children feelings of patience and compassion. I don't see what is selfish about that. In fact, I think it's an excellent way of parenting. "

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Woman, wife and mother in that order?

Amber continues to explain why she has decided to put her husband ahead of her children:

I'm not talking about taking the next flight to Paris or getting into a cooking class while your son is on the school stage on graduation day, but what's wrong with leaving children with grandma one night? That does not make you a bad father.
Valuing our partner, loving our children and finding time for ourselves is part of a healthy marriage and a happy family. If we want to build something, we need a strong foundation, and this is why I continue to put my relationship with my husband ahead of our children. As parents, our future goals include the happiness, health and independence of our children, and perhaps also a beach house. As a couple, we hope to avoid moments in silence by looking at each other at the kitchen table, without trusting each other even though we have been married 50 years ago. And, as a woman, proudly wear the titles of Wife and Mother, but I refuse to lose my identity; before getting married and having children, it was simply myself.

I agree on some of your reasoning. No, it does not make you a bad father to leave the children with the grandmother one night. Yes, it is very important to find time for the couple, continue to trust each other and build strong foundations for the couple to support the family.

It is also true that before we got married (or joined as a couple) we were simply "myself", but something very important has happened in our life: we have become mothers and that has changed our conception of being a woman.

Personally, I do not think that at the end of the day I should check with a tilde if I have fulfilled my role as a woman, wife and mother. What I believe is that I am a woman united to a man with a common project that we have agreed to have children at any given time in our relationship. Y having children necessarily makes us parents, and that happens to be, in my way of being and feeling, the priority of my life. It is what is born to me naturally.

It is my opinion on the subject, on which I do not think I should generalize because it is completely normal and respectable that there are different points of view. How do you see it?Do you put your partner ahead of your children or are your children your number one priority? How do you conceive the couple relationship by becoming parents?