In my house we are six brothers. The youngest of all has always been the most spoiled and most protected by my mother for a very clear reason: has always been the little one.
When you have a child, as time goes by it grows and matures, but for you it is your little one, your child, your only child with whom you live since he was born and with whom you share so many unique and new things that he is showing with Every new step he takes.
Time passes and then you have another child, a baby much smaller than the oldest, who also needs a lot of time and much care and who occupies much less space in your arms than the oldest. You realize this when, after taking the baby, you take the brother who seemed so small days ago and so big now.
In other words, when a baby is born the older brother grows suddenly and this does not happen only with respect to size, but also about something very important: from that moment on we begin to treat the elder in another way (and it's not fair to him).
It happened to me
Aran, my second child, was born, and we spent two weeks quite complicated, since he was premature and spent 7 days in the incubator (little compared to other premature ones, but much compared to healthy babies). Aran weighed just two kilos and we could take it easy with one arm. I just suckled and slept and hardly did anything else.
In Babies and more How to involve the older brother in caring for the babyOne day we came home with him and at that moment you unconsciously compared the size, needs and urgency of one with those of the other. Then everything that didn't bother when we only had one, because with patience and dialogue we redirected it, it suddenly started to bother. They appeared angry and discussions with the elder when long ago everything went smoothly. Increased demand and misunderstanding on our part for a reason: Jon became the older brother (older ... GREATER ...).
Jon, suddenly, grew older. It grew in my mind and with that growth my expectations increased and, as I said, my demand. In short, I started treating him in a different way, even though he was still about to turn 3 (a small child, after all).
But luckily I understood the root of the problem
Everything that had gone well began to go less well. I don't say bad because it wasn't bad, but with Jon things were different. Then I spoke by chance with another mother who had just had her second child and explained something similar: I have also started treating him differently. Exactly, that was the problem, that I treated him differently.
There were those who talked about jealousy. It is very typical to talk about jealousy when a baby is born and the oldest shows the slightest change. It's like babies' teeth ... when they are upset and you don't know what they have, you ask if they are with their teeth and, as it is almost always yes, you're right. But no, they were not jealous. He was still the same Jon as always, the one who had moments when he disappeared in his room for hours to play alone and the one who suddenly asked you eight things at once because he wanted to share time with you and because he was not able to do everything alone.
It was me who changed. It was I who began to see it differently and who began to expect from him things that he had not asked for before. I asked him for an autonomy that he still didn't have and probably, because he was only 3 years old, he still didn't have to have it.
When I realized this I breathed, because I found the solution to my problem: calm, breathe, brake. He remains the same. He still needs me and needs us and it would not be fair for him to suddenly start treating him differently. He deserves the same time and the same respect he had before. And I gave it to him.
In Babies and more How to treat jealousy between brothers from a positive upbringing, an expert gives us the keysThat day I saw him again as a (small) 3-year-old boy and gave him time and space to grow according to his possibilities and desires. That day I respected him again.
Our children look bigger and more mature the day we have another baby, but it is not true, it is our look that has changed. Let's be clear.
