We published on Friday the first part of this interview with psychologist Ramón Soler, therapist and a true specialist in helping families educate without violence. In this second installment of the interview we will deepen the manifestations of violence that we must be prepared to solve.
We have seen the hidden causes for which adults confuse education with violence and the damage that, hidden, suffered in their childhood people who mistreat their children.
Ramón told us that you never have to hit a child and that mistreating is treating badly. However, even knowing that, there are people who find themselves without tools to treat their children without losing control of themselves, or see themselves situations in which aggressiveness is evident in the behaviors of their children.
How should we react to a tantrum or an aggressive attitude of a child?
First, we must remain calm. If we get nervous we add more tension to the situation and it will be much harder for the child to calm down. We have to learn to recognize the anticipatory signs (a gesture of distaste or a "I don't want") that can tell us what the child really wants. Many times, tantrums arise from the frustration the child feels when he does not feel understood. We must pay attention and ask what is wrong with him, what he wants.
The more understood the child feels and the better he can communicate what he wants, the less tantrums he will have.
Obviously, there will be situations in which the child cannot do what he wants at that time, then, the reasons must be clearly explained and alternatives offered.
Even if we believe that we should never hit anyone, we can find that our son is hit by a classmate, shouldn't we teach him to defend himself on that occasion?
A child raised with love and respect will have enough self-esteem to be able to defend themselves without using violence. And you will also know how to avoid aggressive partners and dangerous situations. On the other hand, if the communication with the parents is fluid and sincere, you can go to them in case you have a problem with a partner with the confidence that you will be heard. If the child is small and still does not handle the appropriate linguistic tools to defend himself, we must be the ones who look for ways to get between our son and the other child.
What if our son hits even if we have never raised his hand?
Even if it has never been hit, in some way, the child must have perceived aggressiveness in his environment. Violence can take many forms, some more explicit and others less, for example, family discussions, screaming, too rigid attitudes or leaving the child crying alone, are also perceived as violent acts that generate stress in the child. This “breeding ground” makes it easier for the child to learn to paste as a way to express his anger and, if the aggressive environment continues at home, it is normal for the child to hit more and more.
Sibling fights can be a problem and it is common for them to get to the hands, how can parents intervene in general?
It is a common issue that can overflow if we do not channel it properly. In this sense, what Rebeca Wild proposes seems very appropriate, based on her experience at the non-directive school "Pesta" in Ecuador. When these fighting games arise, it is important that parents are attentive to capture the emotional state of the children and be able to intervene when one of them is not comfortable and does not enjoy the game. At that time, it is the parents who must set precise limits defined by respect for the other, for example: "if one of you does not want to continue or cries, the game is over." With these clearly defined rules, children can enjoy such games, but always maintaining the minimum limits of respect for each other.
What if it is a baby whose older brother hits or bothers him when we don't look?
The arrival of a brother always means a revolution in the family and the elder may feel that he loses privileges and attention time of his parents because of the little boy. Occasionally, the older brother may react with hostility towards the little one. We must ensure that the older brother does not feel that loss of attention, we must find a way to continue spending time playing with him, despite the fact that the little one demands all our attention. It is important to share the new life with your brother. Being older, you can help with some things, but we must not forget that you are still a child and we cannot burden you with obligations that do not apply to you. It is rare for a child raised with attachment and with their emotional needs to come to hit his little brother, but, if necessary, we must explain the reasons why he should not stick. We can tell him that his brother is smaller, that he can hurt him if he hits him or that this is not the way to solve things.
We are talking about cheeks and slapping, but is blackmail, threats or screams a form of violence?
Indeed, they are forms of violence that create a great imbalance in the child. We could consider screaming, threats and blackmail, as psychological violence.
Also, I would like to add as a form of violence, the enormous repressive power of the gaze. Many of my patients have told me that only with a severe look from their parents, they began to tremble with fear. The scourge was not necessary, because they were already intimidated with their eyes. As you can see, this way of treating children does not leave physical scars, but the effects on the child's psyche will be as devastating as a tsunami. If you want to survive in that harsh environment, you will have to adapt and sacrifice important parts of your soul that will be cornered in the depths of your shadow. When they grow up, all the patterns they had to adopt in order to survive will continue to affect them in their lives, causing infinite psychological problems and numerous physical illnesses.
Is emotional abandonment another expression of abuse and violence?
Of course, Mireia, we must not forget that this form of violence is usually even more harmful than cheeks.
There are different forms of abandonment. Things like not attending to his needs when he asks for it or letting him cry alone in a room, create in the child a feeling of absolute helplessness that he will not know how to handle.You will not learn a healthy way to manage your emotions and, as an adult, you will be much more vulnerable to stress and your immune system will be weakened and more likely to get sick.
Managing aggression is complicated, both the one that springs from within us when we are overwhelmed and the one that arises from the tensions to which children are exposed, but, we, their parents, the people who must take care of them, can learn to raise them without violence how the psychologist Ramón Soler has explained so well in this second part of the interview that we are publishing. Thanks Ramón, I am sure that your advice can help many families.
