A few months ago we found an article by therapist José Luis Cano Gil that questioned the methods used by Supernanny, referring to the fact that it was a mere control of behavior that did not take into account affectivity. We liked it a lot and we wanted to share it with you.
But we also liked to meet on the net a close approach to children, and especially because these approaches usually come from respectful parenting and education environments, or from the parents 'and mothers' blogs that try to stay close to the needs of the little ones. But José Luis is an adult psychotherapist.
its orientation is humanistic becoming for him psychotherapy in an art and a form of love, through his work he can help people discovering their difficulties, to overcome them and improve. José Luis is also a writer, and through his two professional activities he intends to accompany people towards greater well-being.
I was pleasantly surprised to find on your site references to Laura Gutman and Alice Miller, as well as some articles dedicated to the family, in them Children gain special importance, from a healthy relationship with parents. That is why we proposed this interview that, we hope, you like it. Peques and More.- What can we discover as adults by looking into the eyes of children?
José Luis Cano.- We can find energy, spontaneity, joy of life, enthusiasm, curiosity, lucidity, intuition, love, surprise and wonder ... But, in many children, unfortunately we can also find sadness, despondency, helplessness, apathy, anger, "inner death" ...
P and M. - There are some social beliefs that prevent us from relating to children in a closer and more natural way, isn't it? What are those beliefs? (An example of this is to think that children are selfish) .-
J.L.C.- Yes, there are many. Another of them is that children are basically "dumb" or "empty" beings who need not be heard or from whom there is nothing to learn, but just "fill in" with our presumptive rules and knowledge. A further example is to think that young children are "mini-adults" able to understand and grow based on our rational arguments and sermons. Or that children are for adults an emotional and economic "investment", which should therefore be required due "interests" (gratitude, recognition, love ...) ... And so on.
To educate is not to tame, but to guide, and this implies knowing how to listen, understand, dialogue, clarify, support, negotiate with children. Neither more nor less than what we claim (supposedly) among adults
P and M. - At present it is difficult to educate our children for the lack of social support and the excess of responsibilities outside the home, although on the other hand it seems that we are more aware that children are people with rights that we all must respect. Could you tell us which ingredients should be part of a healthy parent filial relationship?
J.L.C.- I think there are two fundamental requirements: respect and empathy. Both involve taking seriously and attune to the feelings, needs and peculiarities of each child, and limit ourselves to "accompanying" them with attention and affection, without overwhelming them with excessive burdens and interests of others. To educate is not to tame, but to guide, and this implies knowing how to listen, understand, dialogue, clarify, support, negotiate with children. Neither more nor less than what we claim (supposedly) among adults.
P and M.- What is psychological or emotional abuse of children?
J.L.C.- In denying all of the above and, therefore, creating feelings of insecurity, helplessness, humiliation, fear, guilt, shame, sadness, helplessness, anger, loneliness ... unnecessary pain, in a word.
P and M. - What consequences can this abuse have (or how it can interfere with its development) when the child becomes a teenager and then an adult?
J.L.C.- The feelings and conflicts mentioned above are punched in the personality, in the ways of relating to the world, and are what determine the psychological "symptoms" and "disorders" that make so many people suffer. Disorders ranging from maladjustment or phobias to depression or addictions, through school failure, ADHD, domestic abuse, exploitative individualism, etc.
It is necessary to take children into account, to sensitize them, to listen to them in equal respect and dignity than to adults. It is about satisfying their basic needs and, as they grow, always consider their individual peculiarities, their desires, their desire for autonomy, their thoughts, their intrafamily and school problems, etc., always within, of course, of the necessary family guidelines and social
P and M. - We have seen on your website references to Alice Miller, is it also an influence on your psychotherapeutic approach? Would it be possible to extract some ideas from his work applicable to fathers and mothers who raise and educate our children today?
J.L.C.- Absolutely. I think Alice Miller's fundamental idea is that, if we do not have minimally clear and "overcome" (if possible) our problems with our own parents (and childhood in general), it is extremely difficult to raise children healthily, as we will turn over they all the mistakes and abuses that were committed with us. It is the old and inexorable Law that "everything that is forgotten returns."
In other words, to raise well, we must know ourselves as well as possible, and this implies a certain tolerance to the pain of our childhood, that is, to our own feelings.
P and M.- Imagine that we want to start building a society in which children's rights are respected, where do we start?
J.L.C.- Obviously, by taking them seriously, taking them into account, sensitizing them, listening to them with equal respect and dignity than to adults. It will be necessary to satisfy their basic needs (security, affection, valuation, etc.) and, as they grow, always consider their individual peculiarities, their desires, their desire for autonomy, their thoughts, their intrafamilial and school problems, etc., always inside, of course, of the necessary family and social guidelines. (the "slavery" of adults respecting "divinized children" is another extreme to avoid, since overprotection or the absence of norms are also forms of abuse).
But, as Alice Miller would say, the foregoing will only be possible when previously adults decide to "refresh" our childhood memories and accept our feelings about it, an inexcusable condition to achieve respect and empathize with children.
After the interview, I want to sincerely thank José Luis for his collaboration with Peques y Más, he has infected us with his enthusiasm and his positive vision (in addition to being close) towards the resolution of psychological problems. Thank you also for believing in children and for approaching "his gaze" and the "inner child" that adults have inside us.
