“LISTEN MORE THAN TALK AND THEN REACH AN AGREEMENT”, KEYS FOR OUR TEENAGE CHILDREN TO DEVELOP HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM

All parents, without exception, want our children to be happy, and that happens without remedy because they develop healthy self-esteem, know their abilities and learn to overcome obstacles.

But at a stage of as many changes as adolescence, it is common for their insecurities to appear. Y there we must be the parents to listen to them, even more than talk to them, and then negotiate to reach an agreement.

These are some of the nine keys that we must develop to promote healthy self-esteem among our teenage son. This is explained by the psychologist Pilar Conde, director of the Origin Clinics and promoter of the Crece Program for adolescents.

Empathy is essential

If we want to support you, help you believe in yourself and your abilities, the first thing we have to do is understand what stage of your life you are in, how it is now.

In adolescence, our son is immersed in a process of self-knowledge, of knowing what beliefs he identifies with and the value that he gives to those beliefs.

Stop being under the criteria with which you have worked with your parents and you have to develop your abilities to have your own balance of what's right and wrong. You will see your vision differently about what it is to be a child, an adult, a friend, what a person is within society.

His life in the world falls apart and he has to learn a new way of acting.

While doing so, the environment (parents and teachers, especially) have to validate it. As parents, we can lay hands on our heads thinking "But if I haven't educated him like that" And it's absolutely true. But he is opening his mind. That is why it is important to talk to him and listen to him, because he does not like what parents say and will go against his opinions. But we can ask them to reflect. They need to know that we listen to them.

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1. Listen to them, but setting limits

"I need autonomy but I don't let go much because I'm not an adult." It would be the summary of his attitude, explains the psychologist, because it needs to be heard but also that limits are set. They will always be groping to know how far they can go and they need adults to put a brake on them.

"Adults must put a roof on him, stop him, because he still doesn't know what is good and bad."

And how to do it to handle his rebellion? The expert is clear: asking a lot to reflect. After. We can show you our point of view, but without imposing it: "I would like you to think like that ...", but never forcing.

His friends think in a certain way and, at least at the beginning of adolescence, he needs to be in the group and we must respect him, even if we think differently and do not agree with him.

2. Make them reflect

"The idea is to ask open-ended questions, so that you ask things and think. Then, you can explain that you disagree and why, but respecting their point of view."

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It is one of the recommendations of PIlar Conde that, who adds that we can take advantage to see with them programs or series that raise controversial issues and thus comment on them. Example: if a gay couple comes out, "And what do you think about it?". You should see that we treat you as a person who has his own point of view and we respect him.

Although it seems impossible, the values installed in childhood are there and will prevail, and it helps them to have their own brakes.

3. Recognize their needs and negotiate with them

The Director of Origen Clinics explains that our son is at a stage where he has two important needs:

Self-definition of self. Stop being in the family and your interest moves to friendships. It is a first phase: he wants to be in the group and be like them.
And a second phase, in which you need detach from the group, be different from the group: feel a unique person.

Parents should understand that what worked for them in childhood is no longer useful. The child has disappeared and should facilitate the vital moment in which they are, learn to communicate with them in another way.

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The expert assures that "A strategy that works in adolescence is negotiation: listen, although clarifying that we do not agree with everything you say." Our opinion will be important, but leaving room for them to choose. An example: “You have to go to grandma's house. You can go now with us, to eat with her or in the afternoon. I don't care whenever, but you have to go. ”

Or with the arrival time at home. We can let him express his needs, then we as adults tell him what we think and reach a balance.

And very important, according to the psychologist: "When some commitments are agreed, you should know that in case of not fulfilling them there will be consequences established in advance." They have been agreed and, therefore, must be fulfilled.

They know how to despair and are testing how far they can go, so we can't lose our papers.

4. Leave them alone and not invade their privacy

As the psychologist explains, Everything can be negotiated: the mobile, the room and also its space.

Therefore, it must be respected. For example, we can negotiate a day to enter with him in the room to tidy up, clean it, change sheets ... without feeling that while he was not we have scrambled the drawers or his desk papers, for example.

Teenagers need to spend time alone, keep introspection. In childhood everything was everyone's, but now they need a space that is theirs, to have it in their own way, with their own decoration.

It is time to remove childhood objects and replace them with others. You have to let them, within an order, put what they want in your room, create their own space to suit you. "We should even call when we want to pass if they are with the door closed", explains the expert.

“They need to have secrets. Therefore, we should never look at their drawers or browse their notebooks, for example. If you get caught, they will interpret it as a lack of absolute confidence and that invalidates them. "

We have to look for the tricks to know them without cheating. And that also includes what they see or do on the Internet.

Of course we can put parental controls, but having their consensus (again negotiation). Because, as the expert said before, they need limits.

We can establish, for example, that we will review which apps have been downloaded or which pages you visit once a week. Further, "It is better to do with consensus of both parties, because they are much more digital than us, they know more tricks in most cases and learn how to skip our control if they disagree."

And since he likes us to pay attention to his things, we can take advantage while he is playing online (for example), to sit by his side to see how he does it and with whom he plays and "that doesn't usually bother them", adds Pilar Conde.

In the negotiation you have to establish what you can and cannot see or understand, for example, that we maintain the location of your mobile phone for your own security, to know where you are and not to control you.

5. Do not interfere in your friendships

He is no longer a child and moves alone, with more freedom, so it is impossible to forbid him from dating certain teenagers, because he can do it behind our backs.

If he is well in a group, it is difficult for his parents to take him out of him, unless he is changed from high school and yet it is complicated.

So it is best to try to meet your friends, ask for them and know what you are talking about in social networks, but without gossiping behind them.

According to the psychologist, their conversations are private, but you may be interested (ask) which groups they are in, who are part of them: "They need intimacy and belong to a group to maintain healthy self-esteem and you have to respect it. Because if we try to push it away, it will do just the opposite of what you are pursuing."

We can talk to him, gently explain the conflicts that friend (or friends) has, but in the end it is our son who has to find his way out.

For example, in the case of our son who goes out with a violent group, we must set limits and explain how to act: "I respect what your friends do, but there are limits that you have to respect and that is not done."

"The paternal frame of reference is still there and teenagers like to do things well, so parents must stand firm to understand the consequences of their actions."

6. Do not criticize your image

He is building his personality, discovering who he is, so it is logical to try many image changes. “You have to respect him, but within limits”, explains the psychologist.

If our 15-year-old daughter intends to go out with a huge cleavage, we have to negotiate with her again and find a balance: “I understand that you want to wear that shirt because you feel good about it, but as a father it doesn't seem right, so let's choose another one with a neckline, but not as pronounced”.

Parents can also take advantage of early adolescence, when they still go shopping with them, to negotiate inside the store: “I would like you to consider this garment that I like. Because, although I have to respect your choices, this doesn't seem right to me. ". They need a limit and you can find something that pleases both parties.

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It is clear that you need to like to fit in a group and clothing is a way to achieve it. Pilar Conde says that "Although clashes over the image between parents and children are repeated generation after generation, it is now even more complicated to understand, because the changes are much faster and one becomes outdated much faster".

We can ask: “What does it take? What would you like to wear? " And in view of your answers, we will negotiate.

"Her look is a way to create her personal identity, to differentiate herself from the group, especially when well into adolescence."

The search for your own style is a good, positive attitude, because it goes against what they are imposing on you. For example, with the school uniform, when they try to differentiate themselves into something (even in the length of the skirt).

7. Avoid chats and shouts

In adolescence, talks do not work. You have to listen more than talk and then reach an agreement.

It is very important to change the tax by negotiating. You can get angry and we scream more. But when you get to this point (and better before) you have to “We leave, we relax, we rest, and then we continue with our conversation until we reach an agreement”, The psychologist recommends.

Why If the adult intends to impose, the teenager will rebel and scream more. "Parents should understand that stopping to think does not mean that they have lost, that they are giving up. On the contrary: it is a gain," Add. We are simply postponing the conversation to stop disrespecting each other.

We must teach you how conflicts are resolved with our own behavior: “If you start raising your voice, we will continue later”, because if you see that it works to impose, shout, you will use it later.

"You never win by force, because even if you listen to it in adolescence, it will eventually behave like you do."

8. Value them and make them value

Both from school and from home you have to understand what happens to the teenager and try to validate it. We must not downplay what is vital for him and help him feel more secure.

If you hate your physique. We can, for example, delegate the situation: “I look gorgeous, but how do you think you would feel better? What can I do for you to make you feel better? "

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If he is not able to do something. If we see that our son expresses the desire to achieve a goal, but does not dare, we can raise "Let's see how we can do it", and be in the rear helping you overcome obstacles.
When they don't stand out academically. If we discover that our son is going to cost more than the rest to overcome the stage of the ESO and Baccalaureate, we must make him understand that although we disagree, we live in a system that works like this and we have to overcome it and support him with "So let's see how we can achieve it."

To start, We must reduce the academic requirement in those capacities that cost more and reinforce those others in which it stands out. We can tell you: "I know you don't like it, but you have to pass the process and you can do it". And hold him accountable for some requirements that he must meet without obsessing with school: doing homework, studying at least one hour a day….

So that your self-esteem does not suffer, you also have to reinforce the merits or abilities that you do well, such as drawing or some musical instrument or sport.

Pilar Conde says that he must understand (and his parents too) that whoever does this now or not, will not define your future and you have to pass the process with him and support him in what he wants to achieve later. "Perhaps in these cases, we have to celebrate the approved ones with a five."

Teenagers have many competencies and luckily today we parents have much more information about the study opportunities for our children, which our parents had. Therefore, adds the expert, "We can show them the way they should go to get what they want."

9. Highlight your strengths

If we see that our son shows low self-esteem, that he does not like how he is, that he does not believe in him, says the expert psychologist in adolescents that we should focus our conversations towards his personal strengths and strengths. "It's about redirecting the focus to positive things that they have and that take them away from that bad concept they have of themselves, making them look more inside of it."

The goal is face the complexes, reinforcing their values verbally, talking about those things that they did well. We can take the routine once a week to do the exercise with them to ask "what have you done well this week?".

For example, highlight if our child has good empathy, if he is generous ...

Y If your low self-esteem, not liking yourself, leads to conflicting eating behaviors, you should immediately consult your doctor.

The best way to keep up is to make at least one daily family meal. If one day you don't want to eat, nothing happens. Among the warning signs indicated by Pilar Conde and that it is necessary to consult: lack of appetite that is repeated several days in a row, we observe that you eat compulsively or go to the bathroom as soon as you finish eating, that you lose or gain weight in an important way , he looks constantly in the mirror with a serious countenance, he covers himself too much ...

The limits and more in terms of health are indispensable. And our teenagers need them to strengthen their self-esteem.

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