Our first vacation without dad (or mom): "Do what you can, what your heart dictates and you will be right"

Today we close the month of July and from tomorrow the holidays begin for many families. People greet each other with more joy and talk about their vacation destination.

But as not everyone likes Christmas, not everyone is happy in the summer. And you have to respect it.

In my case, for example, when the heat comes I cannot help remembering that year in which my husband, the father of my children, my friend and partner died. I just wanted to be in bed, cover myself and forget about the world, but that was not a possible option. The children needed their vacations like everyone else and that year more, because they missed their father, who died a few months earlier.

So this summer, at last, I have decided to share my experience, with the intention of helping other fathers and mothers, widowers or divorced, who this year face their first vacation without a father or a mother. Because it can be done and our children will always thank us.

First reaction: hate summer

Logical, right? You see everyone happy, programming their summer days as a family and you are very, very sad, and your family (at least the one you created) no longer exists, while the others are happy. Or so you think. Because, although there are not so many radiant families of happiness and not everyone enjoys an idyllic holiday, you feel it that way. It's like when you look for a baby and only look pregnant. Well now that you miss what you lost, you only see parents with children enjoying all together.

We each (and each) live it our way, as we can, because we have no idea what to do or how to face the new situation. When a recent widow asks me what to do, I answer with humility that there is no magic recipe.

"Do what you can, whatever comes out of your heart and you're sure to be right."

When I was alone with my children I was, unconsciously, separating myself from those old friends, with whom we all dated together with our little ones. It was not intentional, but I couldn't bear to see what I had lost so close.

Without looking for it, I began to meet other mothers who faced motherhood alone, like me: mothers at school and daycare, coworkers, friends of friends ...

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The circle of friendships changed without realizing it. Of course my lifelong friends were still there, trying to support me! But they didn't understand how I felt and my children and I needed to be with other children and parents who didn't remind us how much we had lost.

Of course my attitude may be selfish, but as I have made clear from the beginning, each one lives the duel (also a separation is a loss) as best he can, trying to get ahead, neither better nor worse than others. I try not to judge, and I would like them not to judge me either.

So yes, I hated the damn vacation, the summer that never ended.

There is always a different first summer

The first and perhaps most important (I think) is to decide that you do want to go on vacation with your little ones, that you want them to live in the most normal in a sad and abnormal stage for everyone.

Sadness will accompany you, always. We are not going to fool ourselves: losing your travel companion changes you. I have never been the casual and cheerful woman of before, but I have enjoyed every moment shared with my children, I laugh with them, with the people I love most, my motor in life.

And leisure time, outside the routines of everyday life, leave unforgettable moments with the family. Yes, as a family, because With the passage of time you convince yourself that you continue to have your family, with your children, even if it is not the one you dreamed of.

But for that there is still time. First, we must think how to overcome the first summer.

Some of my divorced friends went on vacation to the beach with their children, others opted for trips for single parents with children, those who already had teenagers even dared with some organized trip abroad ... But there are also those who consumed by grief they are unable to get out of bed even to go to work and send their children to grandparents' house.

Everyone does what he can (I'm sorry to repeat it so much, but it's my motto). None makes it better or worse.

We all chose to choose the option that came out of our hearts, although it could have been a different one.

My daughter was 7 years old and my son 6 months when his father died, so To think about going with them alone to a beach place, as we had planned all four together, it was impossible. I didn't feel strong.

I know I didn't do it well, but when I lost Arturo, I turned completely at work, the more hours the better, so as not to face the harsh reality. I even worked at night so I didn't have to lie in bed alone.

I don't want him to misunderstand, but even looking at my children, with such a great physical resemblance to his father, it hurt, because he reminded me that he was no longer here. Seeing how my baby crawled for the first time or said his first words without being able to share it with his father, it hurt me. Hard to understand? Yes, but it was how I felt, although it never occurred to me to tell anyone, when everyone told me: "How lucky you are, he has left you a decal. You will see your baby grow and he will be like his father."

But they were my children, and I had to make sure they led a life as 'normal as possible'. So during the course I took them to kindergarten and school, picked up my daughter from extracurriculars, took her to chess championships, to birthdays, I took pictures at school parties ... And when the course was over, I sent them with his grandmother to the town house.

I know that many will judge me for 'that easy way out,' but it was not at all. I didn't want to separate myself from the people I loved most in the world and the only reason I woke up every morning, but I needed to cry everything I didn't allow myself to do when they were in front of me (although I didn't always manage to avoid tears in their presence) .

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Every weekend he went up to see them, as his father and I used to do. And, on one of those 500-kilometer trips, I decided: I had to travel.

A few fellow travelers

His father and I always made a winter break, to know some new destination and alone. It was our way of recharging batteries as a couple and then being better parents. This attitude generated many enemies that considered me a bad mother, because "The surrendered mothers do not separate from my children or leave them 'abandoned with their grandparents' to go on a trip."

But, honestly, I've always been a free soul and travel, my way out of stress. And really, until I did not lack my partner and began to weaken my self-esteem and my security in my actions, I did not care much what others thought if I saw that our little family was happy. And it was.

Only three months before he died, we all went to Tenerife, a very comfortable trip because my dwarf was still having a tit and I didn't have to worry about his food. It's the last vacation memory together and we had a great time! Because that was the deal: travel for dad and mom during the course and vacation all together on some island in summer, in addition to the usual visits to grandparents on the beach.

So that fateful first year I had as a revelation and decided to continue doing the same routines with my children. It was August and I had no time to lose so I went with my little girl to Paris, to make a trip to suit her, with theme park included.

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I have to admit that I was panicking traveling alone with her and tried to convince other mothers with children, but none dared: Organized travel on my own, online and so cheap? Impossible.

So luckily we were alone and, from then on, Kenya became my adventure companion. Who could I find more related to me?

I will not fool anyone if I say it was not hard. I cried before, during and after the trip, my first family outing without Arturo.

If my daughter saw me cry she would say: "Mommy, don't cry, Daddy is with us and he doesn't stop laughing because he is happy, as always".

She still remembers our first solo getaway, which has been repeated every year. The problem? That she has become a tireless traveler who speaks four languages ​​because "They are necessary to meet people from all parts of the world."

As for his brother ... Yago was still very small and, silly of me, I thought I should turn more to Kenya, which was the one that most noticed the loss of his father. He was such a baby that he couldn't miss him ...

A big mistake that I discovered later, because Babies do live the losses and of course they need our love multiplied by two. But when you suffer, you are not aware of these things.

So he had to wait for the next summer to go on a family vacation again. And with a very large family, because from that year we started traveling with a school mother and her daughter, a classmate from Kenya: Ibiza, Menorca, Las Palmas ... and the experience has been very rewarding.

If you travel with another single parent family, you don't feel alone, you share daily tasks, schedule the routes with another adult He understands you perfectly and children grow up together, as if they were their cousins.

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I don't know if it's the right option or not, but it worked for me. And I hope that, if only a little, it has helped you to feel identified (or identified) and help you understand that we can move forward, that we can continue to enjoy our family vacations, and that summer can continue to be a moment of laughter and casual memories with our children.

I would love to know your experience and, if you need help, do not hesitate to write me. I was also supported by other women and men who, like me, had to face a year the first summer of their lives, without their travel companions.

Photos | iStock

Video: Our First Vacation without the Twins (March 2024).