Don't lose your nerves! Tools to manage problems efficiently and respectfully

Educating our children requires patience, empathy, active listening and communication. We have spoken on several occasions that punishment, threats, blackmail, screaming and whipping are not educational methods, and also seriously harm the child.

Although at any given time we can all lose our nerves in the face of a situation that we feel is getting out of hand, it is important to be aware that this is not the way to educate with respect, so it is necessary to have tools that help us avoid "exploding" in front of our children.

Today we propose some of the tools available to the Positive Discipline, to put into practice when we feel that we are about to lose control, and thus be able to solve the problem in a respectful way.

Time out positive

Surely we all agree to say that making coherent, positive and respectful decisions for all is impossible when we are nervous, upset or angry.

That is why as we look for respectful tools that help children calm down, it is recommended that adults also resort to them, with the aim of finding a way to relax in order to find solutions to the family problem that has arisen.

There are many emotional control tools to be able to resort to, although we propose the "time out positive", which has nothing to do with the classic "time out" that we all know and still continues to be applied with children as an educational method, despite its inefficiency.

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"Time out positive" is a respectful reflection time, both for children and parents, that we will take on situations of nerves, stress or anger. The idea is to materialize this time in a corner that we will build with our children, with relaxing and comfortable elements that invite tranquility and tranquility.

Reflect and calm down in this respectful and motivating area It will help us regain control of our emotions, before returning to resume dialogue with our son.

For example: if we are living a situation with our son who is making us lose our nerves, before we explode we will try to return to a calm emotional state, since if we explode we will enter a power struggle in which both of us will be injured.

We will tell our son that in order to continue talking respectfully and find a solution, we must leave the scene. Probably, if good use of time is positive and the place it symbolizes has been prepared with care by all family members, children follow our example and also voluntarily retire (although if they are small they must do so in company ).

In this way, the parties involved in the problem will relax, and once we are all well we can resume the conversation.

Focus on solutions

When our child makes a mistake or a specific problem arises with him, we will focus on looking for a joint solution, without telling you what you have to do or / and make you pay for what you have done.

In this sense, it is much more logical for a child to be involved in solving a problem if he feels that your opinion is taken into account and can help you improve in the future, learning from their mistakes from a constructive perspective.

For example: Our son has thrown the glass of milk on the floor, just the day we are in a hurry. We could scold you, get angry, tell you what you have to do or clean the stains ourselves in order to finish as soon as possible.

But none of this will help you in your future learning, besides being able to damage your self-esteem. In this case, it is recommended that the child be involved in the search for a solution (clean up spilled milk) always counting on our help and our respectful attitude (teaching him how it is done and that he continues later, showing him where the rag is, offering him our help ...).

In this way, he will feel important with his contribution, while gaining autonomy and learning resources to solve this problem if he presented himself again in the future.

The power of natural consequences

Occasionally, conflicts or discussions with children could be avoided if we let the natural consequences act; that is, those that happen naturally without our intervention.

What happens is that as parents, it is not always easy "not to intervene" (that is, not to rescue our children from the consequences of their actions), and this ends up leading to anger that affects the climate of coexistence, as well as preventing that promote their autonomy.

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But in order to allow the natural consequences to act, a series of requirements must be met:

  • Natural consequences they must respect limits that do not jeopardize their safety, nor that of others. That is, if our little son does not want to shake hands to cross the road, we obviously cannot let him experience the natural consequences of crossing the street alone.

  • Once the child has experienced the consequences of their decisions or actions, we must accompany him in his feeling, showing our empathy and understanding.

  • The child must learn from the natural consequences of his actions without the adult lecture him later (the classic "I told you and you did not want to listen to me") or do feel embarrassed or upset about the decision made.

  • Inform your child beforehand of those situations in which you will not intervene or stop intervening, so that he begins to take charge and be aware of his family responsibility plot.

For example: Our son systematically forgets to write down the duties he has to do at home to take to school the next day. This causes us great discomfort, we get angry, we lecture him telling him that "he has to be more responsible", and we even end up asking the WhatsApp group of mothers for help to tell us what he has to study. But with our attitude we are not helping our son, but quite the opposite.

In this sense, We will inform our son that we will stop intervening by solving his school dismissals, so that he discovers after himself the natural consequences of arriving at school without the duties done, and thus learn to take responsibility for it for the next time.

At all times we must accompany our son in his feeling ("I imagine that you will have felt very sad when the teacher has scolded you for not carrying the homework done"), without falling into sermons, judgments, bad intonation or reproving looks.

Family meetings

When the discussions are derived from situations that are repeated frequently and that affect the climate of living together, it might be advisable address the issue at a family meeting or meeting, so that all family members become democratically involved in the search for a solution.

Family meetings are an excellent Positive Discipline tool that allows for closer ties, knowing the opinions and ways of thinking of the rest of the family members, and finding a respectful and consensual solution for everyone.

For example: your children always refuse to collect their toys and the disorder creates great stress; you get angry, yell at them, or label them telling them "they are a mess and messy ones". Sometimes your screams work and obey in a resigned way, but others seem not to listen to you. In any case, you realize that the problem is not solved and the weather worsens day after day.

Propose to address the issue at a family reunion in which all members get involved to find a solution. All the solutions provided must be noted (as crazy as they may initially seem), and then we will choose the one that best suits the situation and is more respectful for everyone.

On many occasions the toy disorder is derived from an excess of them, so perhaps one of the proposed solutions is to perform a purge and be left alone with those who make children more excited. Another solution could be to pick up toys while playing your favorite song, make this task fun, or simply pick up at a time of day when children are not tired.

The important thing is to listen to them and take their opinions into account, not just because sometimes the solution to a problem is simpler than we imagine adults, but because if our children feel their opinions count, they will be more likely to get involved in solving it.

Connect with the child

Any of the tools mentioned goes through "connect with our child", empathize with their feelings and understand why it acts the way it does. When we achieve that connection and the child feels part, he feels that he is taken into account and that we understand him, his attitude will change and many of the situations that stress us will improve.

So before losing your temper, catch up with your child, hug him and look him in the eye. Those eyes that deeply enamored you the first time you looked at them, that remind you every day how lucky you are to have him in your life, and that guide you and give you strength when you need it most. In Babies and more Being a mother can be very difficult, but it is certainly a wonderful experience

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