Children's tantrums are his way of explaining his problems: don't ignore them

We are already in the summer vacations of the children, they have finished the classes, they no longer follow the same routines as the rest of the year, some are summering and the parents now spend much more time with them than the rest of the year.

Perhaps because now we are more with them and we lose patience more easily or perhaps because, as I say, they do not follow their routines and are still adapting to new schedules, there are times when they dedicate one of their dreaded tantrums.

These days I have seen some parents with their children, a tantrum in between, and in quick observation I have realized that the oldest solution seems to continue to prevail, that of ignoring the child. Badly done. Children's tantrums are his way of explaining his problems.

But how not to ignore them?

Sometimes I feel like it, I know. There are days, there are moments, that make us lose patience, that get us out of our rational world and that make us activate for the fight or flight, that is, to put a remedy that would happen to put us at the same emotional height, complaining with the whole body, vigorously, in a "Enough is enough!" or to try to avoid the moment, the situation, because we know what will happen soon or because someone has told us that this is what needs to be done.

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I am aware that it happens to many parents because it has happened to me too. And when the situation triples, because it is the three children who put themselves in crying / complaining mode (now less happens to me, than the older one no longer does), there may come a time when you look in the mirror and see a stranger and suspicious inexplicable smile, similar to those of those who, the result of a drug, smile without knowing what happens around them, totally gone.

However, removing these episodes, which are usually punctual, and focusing on those times when we are practicing as parents, we have enough patience (ideal that we always have it, of course) and we decided to do something, I have to recommend never ignore the tantrums of your children.

But, I've been told what to do

Already, to you and everyone. And if they haven't told you, you've seen how it's done, because we've all seen a child cry because he wants something (which won't always be something material) and his mother or father looking the other way, as if they were listening to rain. Or we have seen a child crying in the middle of the street, sitting, while his parents move away and away because the child does not want to leave the place or because he refuses to walk.

And if we have not seen it, we have lived it in the first person, as parents, with our son having a tantrum somewhere and the others watching the scene, waiting for you to punish him, hit him, tell him that "here we have come "Or that you choose to ignore him while you say to everyone:" Please, don't listen to him. " And they wait for him, almost eagerly, to then make a gesture of approval, because they would have done it the same and because "if not, they get on your beards."

The problem is that his tantrums are his way of telling us something important

Find an angry teenager with his parents or an adult who does not have a good relationship with his parents and ask him why. Ask him why he doesn't get along with his parents or why the relationship is not as friendly as it should be. Surely they will tell you that there is a clear communication problem: "my parents have their own problems and have never cared for mine", "their work has always been more important than their children", "they wanted me to do things only in their own way and I could not decide on my own life ", and similar things.

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Come on, that at some point in the relationship between parents and children the connection broke. At some point the parents curtailed their children's freedom and tried to mold them as they pleased and / or at some point the children felt that their problems were not important to their parents. Confidence was broken and the children stopped insisting. The link was broken and the children stopped trying, looking for references outside the home: their friends, their peers, other adults, the protagonists of some television series, namely ...

And eye, it is normal for children to have, when growing up, several referents. It is logical that they want to fit into their group of friends, that they want to act like them and tell them problems and concerns, but trust with parents should always exist. We, the parents, have to be available, and it is up to us that when they grow up they continue to count on us.

For that we have to listen to them when they have problems and we have to talk to them. And yes, when they have a year or two, they also have problems. Problems that seem absurd to us, problems that seem meaningless whims, but problems for them. Problems, because they are small, because they have desires and needs that they create, that we create (when guilty of not spending too much time with them we supply them with material goods) or that society creates them and because they are not able to understand by what they can't have or get what they want at that moment. For them, at that moment, it is the most important thing in the world. And we know that minutes later the most important thing for them will be something else, but in that instant is that, and we must be there.

I don't talk about doing what they ask. I don't say you have to give them what they want or do what they want us to do. I say that we are there, that we listen to them, that we are at their disposal and that we let them know that their problem, in a way, is being heard, that their complaint is being received.

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If we can please your wish, we do it. We have to give in so that they appreciate the gesture and in the future are also able to give. If we cannot say yes, then we say no. We explain why not, why we deny them what they want and give more explanations the more they are able to understand them.

If they are small and do not understand us too much we do not need to give them a sermon that will not clarify them too much, it is enough to say that it can't be and why it can't be, and then offer our arms to calm down in a hug whenever they want (I don't say take them by force, but offer our arms and our love). And in between, or when they are in our arms, look for an alternative, something they can have or something we can do with them.

If they are older and understand us, then yes, take the opportunity to give our reasons, letting them know that We understand their anger, their anger and that we understand what they feel, but explaining why it can't be.

It is much more pleasant for a child to know that others listen to you and understand your problems, even if the complaint is of no use, not to provoke any gesture or response, as if they did not exist. In fact, this happens with anyone, right? Or perhaps when you are angry, very angry, you prefer to be ignored because this way "it will happen to you"?

Photos | Thinkstock
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